Honesty

Yesterday was another one of those good days that makes life so interesting. I woke up with a weird feeling of restlessness. It’s hard to explain but it was almost like being at high altitude. My eyes wouldn’t really focus and neither would my brain. I had a headache and felt disoriented. Kind of like a hangover, just without the mess to clean up. I do really believe that this feeling is directly related to my lack of running. Running provides me the outlet I need to keep my body and mind in tune. Without it I just feel incomplete. That’s how I felt early this morning. Then my phone rang and everything changed.

There was a group of teenagers that had come out to run with Marshall. A friend of his had arranged it. The kids wanted to come back to the Super 8 in Watseka, Illinois and visit with me after the run. It turns out that these kids were not really kids. They were young men between the ages of 14-17 and they had all been in some kind of trouble. Drugs and alcohol, some gang stuff and some violence. They were all given a choice to enter a six month rehab program or go to jail. Some were in the program because they wanted to be and some because the other option was not so good.

When I walked into the lobby of the Super 8, I was immediately struck by the intensity in the room. I knew this was either going to be really good or I would screw it up completely. I knew from experience that I only had a few minutes to gain their trust. Trust is something that is usually in short supply with young men like these. Pretty much everybody has let them down and they have returned the favor. What I really needed to do was gain their respect but this group could smell a pretender coming from a mile away. So I did the only thing I know how to do. Tell the truth. Explain my qualifications for membership in this group.

I did not go into the gory details with them but I made it clear that I know what being on the street is like. I know what it’s like to want to escape from life. I know what it’s like to be shot at. I know what it’s like to feel desperate and lonely and unloved. I know what it’s like to be threatened and to attack. I know what it’s like to feel the drug enter my body and feel that relief from the pain. I let them know that I spent 10 full years of my life with drugs and violence and fear.

They laughed a few times at my bad jokes and as they loosened up, I could feel the battle being waged in the room. The same battle I always fought. The desire to listen and learn is balanced against the need to think independently. Especially in a group of young men that have had some struggles but have survived so far. They still think that they can get along by themselves and without help. I try never to tell anyone what they should do with their life. How should I know? Instead I just tell my own story. I talk about what it was like for me, what happened to me and what it’s like now. They will either get something out of it or they won’t. I just have to try to be honest.

You need to understand something about this gathering. On the surface it sounds like I was there to do something for them. But really the exact opposite was true. By allowing me to tell my story, they were helping me. Every time I talk about what my life used to be like, my demons loosen their grip on me. It’s like they can’t stand being out in the open so they shrivel up. They will never be gone but their power over me will never be strong again unless I allow it to happen. I have always loved the saying, “you are only as sick as your secrets”. We all have them. Those deeply embedded shameful parts of our past that we think nobody could ever understand. Drugs, alcohol, sex, cheating, stealing, dishonesty, guilt and shame. We think we have these secrets buried so deeply that they are hidden, even from ourselves. Unfortunately, that is almost never the case. If left unchecked, they just hang over us throughout our lives and interfere with our serenity and happiness.

Recovery programs give people an outlet, a safe place to feel acceptance with no judgement. I have stood in rooms filled with thousands of people and told some stories that would make a bartender blush. But telling those stories and shining a bright light on those humiliating experiences causes them to lose all power in my life. I am not suggesting that everyone go out and share their darkest secrets with the neighborhood. The point is that talking to another trustworthy human being is amazingly freeing. Today that’s what I did.

Today I told them that the “thing” inside them that makes them an addict is not their enemy. In fact, it’s that “thing” that makes them special. It will drive them to a good life if they will let it. For me that “thing” is a feeling of loneliness. I can’t explain the feeling, not even to myself. It just is. Years ago, I managed to turn that desperate feeling into passion. Passion for living. Passion for people. Passion for running. Of course I still feel that profound loneliness sometimes but I don’t need to do drugs to escape it. A run will do just fine.

I could have talked to them all afternoon but I needed to get on the bike and head down the road. It was a beautiful crisp windy day in Illinois and I could tell it would be a good ride. I was right, but not for the reasons one might think. I rode about 40 miles I think and then Robert from VQ Orthocare cruised by in is RV or the “ice mobile” as I refer to it. I waved him down and asked him to take my bike to the next Super 8. I was going to run the rest of the way. It turned out to be a little more than 10 miles. Yes that’s right. I RAN 10 MILES yesterday. Man that felt good. I had some minor swelling in my leg but no pain. I have never appreciated running more. It’s amazing how much appreciation one can gain for something after it has been taken away.

Today I will keep moving and try to feel gratitude for the amazing life that I have. I will try to give each person that I encounter my full attention, even if it’s just for a minute. I want them to feel me listening to them because that’s what we all really want. We want to be heard and to feel like somebody cares about us and that somebody cares about our opinions. The frustration that I hear from people as I cross the country is palpable. But the frustration doesn’t come so much from fear of what might happen. The real frustration comes when a person feels like nobody is listening to him. We all just want to be heard so today I will try to listen.

Charlie
PS- A really big thank you to the owners of the Watseka Super 8 who presented me with a check for the UNITED WAY. Their generosity is inspiring and their contribution will be used to help communities around the country learn how to educate kids about being healthier. Thank you!!
Also I have not forgotten about the great visit I had to Parkside Jr High School a couple of days ago. I will be writing about that later today.